a random thought

Am I blue?
A question that evades me
Many smiles
Are they true
Many emotions
Still not sure
Mayhaps the truth reveals
When we stop to revel
In our joy
Of being alive

Seperation

Looking back
I totally regret the time wasted
Why did I not treasure the time spent together?
Now before I even know what has happened
We would soon be forgetting each other
And the memories we once shared

Would we still be as close as we once were?
Would everything change until there is no turning back?
Would we still goof around like we used to?

Memories flashing in my head
The fear that I would forget everything
The pain and joy we shared together
Would they be replaced by other stuff?
Would we eventually turn from friends to enemies?

The shirt that we created together
The song and logos and so many other stuff
Would they lie there untouched?
Or would we end up sharing in future about it?

Can we go back in time?
I promise that I would treasure every single moment
Just to be with my friends again
Just to see everyone smiling yet again

Reality hitting me where it hurts the most
Hoping reverently that we can still be friends
Never wanting anything to end
Trying my best to remember every single thing we shared together

Don’t want life to change
Want to be young again
Wish to go back to the year 2004
Laugh at everything we shared one last time
Just enjoying everyone’s company

In her shoes

A shoe
Simple in purpose, intricate in design
Easy to wear, hard to fill
Shoes are like individuals
Unique in motif and size

What would it be like in another’s shoe?
Would the feeling be the same?
Would there be stories from heaven
Or hell?

A thousand and one things can go wrong
When you’re in another’s shoe
Be it is design or size
An owner once selected should not change

So many lives destroyed because of shoes
So many people becoming what they are not
Individuals falling like flies
Trying to wear a shoe that’s not theirs

So just wear a shoe that’s just you
Become a person that’s just you
For in that way you would feel fine
Going to greater heights like never before

Trapped

Sitting amongst a throng of people
Yet somehow I don’t feel I belong
But these are supposed to be familiar people
These are my family and friends
So why is there the feeling of my being ostracized?

Have never belonged anywhere
Not when the earth as my bed
And the sky as my blanket
It is nothing but simply a house

The chatter of people
The warm hugs given
They do not take away the feeling of sadness
But only elevate it

Tears are falling
Do not know why I am crying
No reason is given
But I won’t pretend everything’s okay

When would the sense of belonging hit me?
Where’s the place called home?
Is there anyone I can call family?
Is there something I crave a lot?

Questions never end
Elevated pain is the platform for more questions
Need to find answers
My brain is trapped in a never-ending record

Am not happy about things
Need someone to show me the way
All I want is someone who cares
Is that too much to ask for?

Yelling screaming banging
No one listens any longer
Can no longer breathe
Someone save
Just save
Save
Me

Water

What is so special about water?

Covering slightly more than 70% of the Earth, water is one of the more vital things on this earth that Man cannot do without. Coming in different forms, water is just like humans, all different but made up of the same things that make one human.

This story begins with a simple coincidence, a simple meeting. The sound of laughter, the splashing of water, dirty bodies rolled around in mud, the different sights and sounds, all alien in the eyes of the child no more than 7-years-old. While other children might be frightened and scared, running in search for a pillar of strength and comfort, I simply stood fast and just took in everything my eyes landed on. I am Brienna and this is my story.

Entering the kampongs of Singapore was like entering a whole new world. It was my first time ever going out of Britain and looking at the kids playing without a care in the world made something in my heart ache. Therefore, naturally I was delighted when the sounds of thunder and rain fell on them, seemingly helping me to punish them for behaving in a way I knew I never could. Gleefully I stood feeling the cool splash of water dropping on my skin while everyone ran for shelter from the rain. To me, the rain was an everlasting and one that will never betray me. Having to grow up while still a child, I never could fully fit in. While children my age saw me as an adult, adults nevertheless still saw me as a child. The reason for my loving the rain was because I saw it as something very like me, an unnatural occurrence that will never fit in with the normal flow of life. While I am neither a child nor an adult, similarly, the rain can never be classified as to whether it truly belonged on earth or part of the huge expanse of sky.

Suddenly, I detected an unnatural movement. Turning around, I saw that while others were running from the rain, a boy, around my age, was actually frolicking in the rain as though it was the most natural thing to do to celebrate such beauty. When his eyes caught mine, something kicked in, and I slowly tried to get away from him. Before I knew what happened, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into a dance. At first, I resisted as I felt improper to be behaving in a way deemed childish by the adults that I so wanted to belong in. However, instinct conquered and that buzz and thrill I felt there and then was something indescribable something that captured all those feelings I thought were lost many eons ago. With such a starting, Tom, the name of the boy, and I soon became fast friends.
Tom taught me many lessons in life and more often than not I was surprised by the simplicity of things that I simply loved to complicate. Although I had been through more in life, what with my mom dying, having to become not only the daughter of my father but also his wife, taking and ensuring that the house was in order, and having to come all the way to God-forsaken Singapore, yet it was the childlikeness of Tom that taught me I could be all these and still remain a child. He taught me that no matter what others said, crying was never a sign of weakness, but instead tears are borne by only the bravest. Tom became my confidante, my protector, and at the same time, a teacher. It was also at this time in which I realized that I was slowly learning how to fit in and not simply watching how the other children indulge in their fancies. I was overwhelmed at the change one person who was simple at heart can do. He turned me from a hermit to a brilliant person.

While all these were happening, things were changing in my family. Finding a beautiful and responsible woman that he loved, my father remarried and I soon had a new mother. My father, who once loved me with his whole heart, started to change into someone else. Whatever little attention he once showered upon me, it was now gone. Instead, in his eyes, all that he ever saw was his beloved wife. More so than ever, I started to heavily rely on Tom.

One day, my dad came up to me and revealed his intentions for moving back to Britain. I was stunned for words. On one hand, going back to Britain was something wonderful as it was something that I had prayed for ever since I had stepped on the lands of Singapore, yet going back to Britain meant leaving Tom behind, and I would be all alone again. Totally upset, I ran all the way to Tom’s house.

“Hello,” I croaked.

“Hey Bre, are you okay? Your coming here surprises me.”

Hearing my pet name coming from his mouth, I felt a pang of sadness. Was this going to be the last time I would ever hear my pet name coming from his mouth? Slowly, without my even realizing it, tears began to well up in my eyes.

“I’m fine, I was just feeling bored and wanted to see if you could come out.”

“Sure, just give me a minute”

That week was the best I had and believe will ever have. Everyday, I made sure that we cycled out to the fields and simply laid there and talked all day about every single subject under the sun. I wanted his opinion on everything, and most importantly on rain, but I always could not bring myself to ask him. On the last day, while cycling, it started to rain. We cycled to the shelter hoping the rain would end. There I finally gathered up my courage to ask him as to why he pulled me into his dance the first day he met. I kept waiting for his answer, but he seemed to be buying for time, and soon, I was fast asleep.

By the time I woke up, I was back in my house and it was time for me to board the ship. I desperately wanted to go over to Tom’s house and say my last goodbye, but my dad forbidden me. So, without ever saying my last goodbye, I went back to Britain.

As I grew up, I grew up with only the knowledge of knowing that somewhere out there I had a friend by the name of Tom. At the same time, the rain now possessed a new meaning for me. It is not only my everlasting buddy, but my visible reminder of Tom. Each time I look at it and I will remember the words he wrote on the card he gave me.

“In you, I could see someone special, someone that did not need to be taught how to appreciate the rain, but one that needed to learn that rain is still water. In you, I saw someone who was confused. So, I felt right that you should be taught that no matter what you do, you are still a child and thus need to enjoy life like a child should. Goodbye. I know you’re leaving, so I wish you luck on your journey. Never forget that you should not complicate the simple matters in life.”

The Mother

I was awakened by a jolt. It was a terrifying dream.

Standing in a corridor of doors, I saw door after doors, it was never ending. On each door, there was a plate which read, 1, 2, 3 and so forth. Being the curious person that I was, I opened one. And to my horror, I saw my life being played back.

Shock soon gave way to something deeper. I started to envy that time of life. That time was a time where I had never knew such a thing as pain. It was a time where my life was just filled with happiness, nothing less.

Yet as I proceeded, it turned out to be a nightmare, but before I have a chance to really enter the door of my age, I was awakened.

Looking around, absorbing my surroundings, I realized I was in a hospital. Questions after questions poured through my brain, like a waterfall. There was no one around me. Sitting alone in the room for a few seconds was scary to me.

When the door opened, I let out a breath of relief. Regardless who it was, I was grateful. It was my mother. When she saw that I was awake, tears started to flow down her cheek. “Rain, thank god that you’re finally awake. I’ll go call the doctor.” I was astonished. Was this really my mother? I didn’t think she was ever capable of emotions.

My whole life, I have been surrounded by people who feel they have to put up a front. Seeing them not show their feelings, I soon learnt it all. In school, Ice Queen was a name I often had to put up with. Friends were something that I had yet did not have. All of that changed when Sunny came into my life.

True to his name, Sunny chased away my clouds. He brought sunshine in, and for the first time, I felt that there was actually something worth living for. He cared for me like no one had before. Showering me with love, care concern, something I had wished for eternity.

Come to think of it, where was he? I would have to ask my mother about it. Oh, speak of the devil, my mom came in with the doctor. While the doctor checked me, I asked my mother where Sunny was.

Once the word Sunny came out of my mouth, I saw a complete change in my mother. In her eyes, I saw anger, which turned to sadness, then to an emotion in which I could not identify with. A thousand and one questions poured in yet again. She approved of the relationship already, no? So why were there such emotions in her? Ouch, my head started to ache.

Seeing me grab my head, my mom started to ask if I was okay. Yet another surprise, man this day was full of surprises, I thought to myself. This was the concern I wanted, but how ironic, it is given when I no longer need it.

The door burst open and the man of my dreams walked in. Looking at his eyes, I realized the love in them was gone. In its place, there was anger. Inwardly I thought anger? Why? Did I do something wrong? Why was the love of my life treating me this way?

Once she saw him, my mother tried desperately to push him away. She pleaded with him, saying, and “Look at her? For you she has committed suicide, can’t you just leave her alone now?”

The words of my mother shocked me, me committing suicide? Was it possible? Just as those thoughts flew past, a picture followed it. In it, I saw myself slashing every part of my body. Slashing till there was a pool of blood, and there I lay, bleeding to death.

I was both appalled and yet amazed. I never thought I would ever have such courage. Then I thought who was it that found me? Was it my mother? What a shock it must have been for her.

I looked at my mother, at that time; she was huddled at a side crying and muttering. Between her sobs and muttering, I could sense a deep sense of guilt, remorse over her inability to be a proper mother to me.

Ever since my dad passed away, I saw my mother change. She became obsessed with her work. She was a woman who was so very brave. By using her work, by transforming into a woman with power, she used it to conceal her pain.

But when I looked at her now, all former glory was gone. My eyes finally opened and I saw this woman who was just like any other woman. Yet here was one who has failed miserably as a mother. And because of that, she is filled with guilt and remorse. I see her filled with pain due to her inability to fulfill her duties

Life is a very strange thing. In the past, I used to search for any emotion, for care and concern. Had wanted it so badly, I went to the first thing that showed me the least of it. I gave my life to a boy as naïve as me. I hurt myself in the process. But I never could see that all I wanted was right in front of me, in the form of my mother

It’s true my mother can be emotionless at times. Yet, I have failed to see that it is all a façade. My mother was trying to be strong so as not to hurt me. She did all of that due to her love for me, and yet there I was criticizing the highest of love. Calling her love as something which was the worst ever. Not realizing the true value of it

The grass is always greener on the other side. But the grass on this side is all you would ever need in life.

The Bus

It was a normal day, just like any other. After taking a look at the sky, suddenly my heart ached. All of a sudden, memories, like a film without sound started to enter my head.

How long has it been? Do you still recall the different memories we had together? Do you still remember that I existed?

Thinking back, my heart ached. It was two summers ago. Sitting on a bus, I was crying my heart out for a love lost. It was irrational, yet at that time, I suddenly took your shoulder and started wetting it with my tears. Instead of brushing me away, you just took me in and comforted me. I cried all the way to the bus station, yet once there, I left without a sound.

It was weird, but ever since that time, daily I kept a lookout for you. For when I got home, your behavior intrigued me. Although I saw you on a daily basis, yet each time, I simply could not gather up the courage to go up and talk to you.

As fate would have it, the day when you got up, it was crowded, and around you, there were simply no seats left except one next to me. When you sat down, my heart almost burst out with joy. And just at that moment in which I wanted to ask you out, you beat me to it by asking me out for a drink. Joy overwhelmed me.

As time passed, we started to spend more time together. Time flied when I was with you. When we are apart, I counted the minutes till we could see each other again. Everything felt like a dream, finally I could have that one thing I had been waiting for, the perfect man.

Yet my perfect dream was spoilt when I saw my ex again. There he stood, ever the handsome creature he was. When I was with him, I had the exact feelings I had when I was with you, yet it was different. Despite that, I decided to put and compare the two of you. I became cynical, I was afraid you would leave me, so as to prevent my heart from hurting again; I left like the first time I did.

When you called, I refused to answer. In spite of the countless messages you left me on the phone, I hardened my heart. I just ignored you completely. You came countless of times, begging and knocking on the door, hoping to get a reason out of me. The last time you came, I was standing there, separated by a piece of wood, even though I cried with you, the door was not opened

You left, forever out of my life. We saw each other on the bus countless of times. That look of pain was too much for me to bear. Many a times, I wanted to run up to you and tell you that I was sorry that I hoped we could start again. However, courage failed me.

I still remember, that day, for once, I felt brave due to wine that I had drunk in a celebration. We were separated by a street, just a street. I called out your name, you stopped, I ran, my vision only focused on you, and that was the last I ever saw of you.
Everything happened too fast, like a dream, one minute you were there, and the next you were gone. Why were you so stupid? Why did you try to save a life that had hurt you? Why? Questions after questions ran over and over in my head.

There I was at your funeral, staring back at the face which used to mutter words of affection to me. A face which used to appeared in my future. I wanted to cry, yet tears eluded me. Nightly I dreamt of you, I dreamt that everything that happened was just a dream, that you were still alive, somewhere on this earth.

Staring out into the sky, I realized just how much your life meant to this world. Without you, life goes on, the sky remains just as blue, endless streams of people continue in an endless stream of activities. To the world, you are just a soul in which it can survive without, but to me, life without you is meaningless. In spite of all these, my life goes on.

When we move at the speed of life, we are bound to crash into one another. There are some who come and go in a twinkling of the eye, yet there are others, who leave an imprint so deep that even after they move on, your life seems to change completely.

Vampiric Story

It had been a long time, too long a time. Desolateness usually eluded me, but today, just the mere walking down the back alley that was ever so quiet, when compared to the city that it was in, the city that brimmed with life, seemed ever so empty. The silence made me feel uneasy. It was haunting today, unlike other times when it was so comforting. Hate filled me when my mind started to fill itself unconsciously with images of the past, a past in which I was once happy. I can still recall that night, the night in which my mother was killed! I hated the God, if there was any, above. It was he that stole my happiness, my life that was once so filled with hope. What my mother would say of my present state if she were still alive, I really wonder. Wallowing in self-pity, I suddenly felt a presence, not a soothing one, but to me, I was not in the least crept out. I knew that even if I were to spin around, I would see no one, so instead of wasting my time with such a presence, why not go home and have a nice bath before wallowing in self-pity yet again. I was about to walk when someone blocked my way. “Nice to see you again Beyonce, it’s been a while!” I starred at the man thinking that he was probably mad! “No Beyonce, I’m not mad!” I was shocked! Who was this man? How could he have possibly read my thoughts? It was impossible! I looked him in the face and said, “Since you insist that you’re not mad, I’m sure you would understand what I mean when I say get lost, right? Or are you simply trying to prove to me that I am right?” I smirked! There was absolutely no way that he could get out of this one now! “Your highness, I’m sorry, but I have to do what I have to do! Please come with me!” this man in front of me seemed apologetic, but then, the tone that he took with me was unforgivable! Suddenly, without a warning, I was knocked out by him. Although I was knocked out, I could still feel whatever was happening to me. Strange as it might seem, it was something that I had trained myself to feel. This was so that I would not get violated even if I were unconscious. Almost nothing much happened to me, although I must admit that it was strange as I felt myself being carried along with the wind. What a weird change of events.

When I awoke, I found myself on a bed in a room that simply screamed elegance. I felt so out of place. I wanted to walk around, but realized that my legs had gone numb during the period when I was out. As I was trying to get my legs to move, suddenly the door opened. I nearly screamed, as I was a little frightened. It was weird, as I do not scare usually. “Good day, so I see that you have awoken. How do you feel Beyonce?” I stared at the person as to which the voice belonged to, and was a bit taken in by his appearance. That cool aura, which was complimented by both his messy blonde hair and that shirt that seemed to not be ironed, was able to make any girl swoon at his feet. I however, was not your average girl. When I recovered, I realized that like me, he was actually staring at me. Seeing that, I could not help but say, “Take a picture, it lasts longer!” That guy grinned and replied, “Beyonce, much as I want to take a picture, but then I deem it unnecessary, as I already have you here with me, and you would never be able to leave me again.” I looked at him suspiciously, who was he, how dare he say that I would never leave him again? Who was he to decide? “Ah, so I see you’re wondering why I dare to say such bold statements. Well my dear Beyonce, I’m able to say that because no matter where you go, you are never able to escape the palm of my hands.” I was mad at this group of people. Who were they to interfere in my thoughts? It was bad enough that I was not in a place where I am accustomed to, but what was worse was that I had absolutely no privacy at all! I mean what kind of stupid privacy I have, even my thoughts can be sent to them as though it were some form of message! “It would be stupid of you to think that I cannot run away from you. Mr the-whole-world-belongs-to-me. Even if it might seem impossible for me to elude my presence from you, but then, you do not know me, and I’m confident that you would not be able to honor yourself with my presence.” I spat at him. I was boiling mad, and when I reach such a stage, there was no turning back. “My my, what a fiery temper. If I recalled correctly, you were not that brave the last time we met! I should actually punish you for talking to me in that manner, however being the nice creature that I am; I would forgive you this once. My dear Beyonce, I certainly hope that you would not make this a habit.” What the? How could he talk as though as I was the one who offended him when in reality, he was the one who started it? Before I even had the time to retort him, he was already beckoning the maid to come in. Before I could take in what had happened, he was already gone! Wow, what have I got myself into, I thought! The maid snapped her fingers, and the clothes that I originally had been changed into an elegant yet seductive evening gown. Although the maid tried to tie my hair into a bun, yet each time she did that I merely let it down again. Frustrated with me, she decided to let me off, and decided to focus on guiding me to wherever it may lead.

After many a stairs and corridors, we finally stopped at this huge but elegant door. The maid beckoned me to go in, and trying not to offend her, I pushed the door and entered. At first, I thought that the maid would follow me, but to my horror, she just left me alone. When I entered, I was in for a shock! Cameras flashed, and people kept asking me questions. I wanted to yell to them that I know nothing, but decided to tone it down first, or at least until I found the one who got me into this mess! However, the more I tried to get out of the crowd, or what I would call the paparazzi, the more they followed me. It was so damn frustrating, and I was close to slapping anyone blocking my way when a voice said, “Guys, I believe that that would be enough for the lady. As I can see, she seems quite petrified.” I spun around and was face to face with this huge piece of meat covered in cloth. I looked up and saw that thankfully it was not the other irritating piece of ass, but the guy who brought me here. Nevertheless, I was still pissed off, and I demanded an explanation. Sadly, I got nothing more than his name, which was Shawn. He led me towards that irritating guy from earlier. This time however, I noticed a slight difference. Somehow, he was no longer that irritating brat from before. Instead, his aura seemed so majestic. I thought silently, that maybe he was that bossy because he was taught to be bossy, and since he was sitting on a throne, I presume that he was indeed give the permission to be bossy. When he saw me, he smiled and being the nice person that I tried to be, I acknowledged it by smiling back. Shawn brought me to his side and was about to leave, when the guy said, “Shawn, I have a need for you. Why not you stay here for just a while longer before going away.” After that, he turned his attention to me and smiled, saying, “I am glad that your temperament has changed a bit. Well, due to time constraint, I’m unable to tell you the whole story now however I have already instructed Shawn to tell you all about it. I hope you don’t mind, do you?” “Well, even if I do not want it, I would have to oblige right? Well, before you send me off, would you kindly tell me your name?” “The name is…” before he could even respond Shawn suddenly took me by the arm and pulled me along. The guy was obviously upset about the change of events. I take it that he has been to in charge to even want to lose it just for a split second. Shawn seeing the danger he was in, put a knife around my neck and threatened all soldiers that the guy sent. They backed off although I did notice that my neck started to bleed. The soldiers behaved weirdly. Fangs started to appear. I was both curious and yet somehow it all felt so familiar. It was as though I have seen this all my life. But how could it be? This were I suspect vampires. How could have even come close to it? Shawn whispered in my ears just before I passed out yet again. Why was this always happening to me?

“Wake up wake up!” that damned alarm clock woke me once again. Was it all just a dream? Took a bath and was scrubbing myself when while cleaning my neck, it hurt. There was a mark. It looked as though it were exactly the same part where Shawn, was that his name, put the knife. His last words, if I remember correctly were “Take care princess, we’ll see each other soon.” What did that mean? Was it a hint at something more sinister? How about that guy who was so cocky? What about his subordinates being vampires? Did he know that? It seems that there are just so many questions in my head. I cannot remember some parts of the story. Am real exhausted. It was as though I have not gotten a single minute of sleep at all. Hmm, I guess and I hope that time would explain everything.